Your friend's mom just passed away. She needs you to be there for her but you don't know what to say.
What do you do?
Nothing. Just listen. It's common to try to give advice, console, sympathize, explain, story-tell, and interrogate- common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. These are also known as evaluative listening. Instead, try empathic listening. Empathic listening is attending to a message in order to understand another person's perspective without evaluation or criticism. It requires empathy, which is emptying the mind and listening with our whole being.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Your boyfriend is cheating on you.
Problem: You see your friend's boyfriend walking down the street with his arm around another girl. You call her and say "He's cheating on you."
You just proved true attribution theory. Attribution theory is the concept that people consistently make sense of the world by assigning meaning and motives to others' behavior. By assuming that your friend's boyfriend was cheating, just because he had his arm around another girl, you attributed meaning to his actions.
This becomes a problem when there is an attribution error. This is where one ascribes motivations for another's behavior to a personality or character trait when it actually results from a situational influence, or vice versa; and without a factual base. In this case, your friend's boyfriend was helping a girl who had sprained her ankle by holding her up and walking her to get help. You falsely accused him of cheating, when really he was helping.
You just proved true attribution theory. Attribution theory is the concept that people consistently make sense of the world by assigning meaning and motives to others' behavior. By assuming that your friend's boyfriend was cheating, just because he had his arm around another girl, you attributed meaning to his actions.
This becomes a problem when there is an attribution error. This is where one ascribes motivations for another's behavior to a personality or character trait when it actually results from a situational influence, or vice versa; and without a factual base. In this case, your friend's boyfriend was helping a girl who had sprained her ankle by holding her up and walking her to get help. You falsely accused him of cheating, when really he was helping.
I hate doing my homework...
Scenario: Nobody likes to do anything they "have to" do. This can create intrapersonal conflict. Intrapersonal conflict occurs when there is an incompatibility or inconsistency among an individual's cognitive elements.
Solution: However by translating "have to" statements into "choose to, because I want" statements you can get in touch with the intention behind your choice and become conscious of what need it serves.
1. Think of all the things you tell yourself you "have to do" on a daily basis and write them down on a piece of paper. (i.e. I have to do my homework.)
2. Now go back and change every "have to" to "choose to." (i.e. I choose to do my homework.)
3. Add "because I want" to the end of those statements and get in touch with the intentions behind your actions. (i.e. I choose to do my homework because I want to learn and get good grades in order to get into a good college and ultimately get a good job after graduating.)
Solution: However by translating "have to" statements into "choose to, because I want" statements you can get in touch with the intention behind your choice and become conscious of what need it serves.
1. Think of all the things you tell yourself you "have to do" on a daily basis and write them down on a piece of paper. (i.e. I have to do my homework.)
2. Now go back and change every "have to" to "choose to." (i.e. I choose to do my homework.)
3. Add "because I want" to the end of those statements and get in touch with the intentions behind your actions. (i.e. I choose to do my homework because I want to learn and get good grades in order to get into a good college and ultimately get a good job after graduating.)
The noisy neighbor...
Scenario: You are trying to sleep, but your neighbor is throwing a wild party and their music is extremely loud. This is the fourth night this week that you've gotten little to no sleep because of the noise.
This is an example of interpersonal conflict which is defined as a struggle among a small number of interdependent people (you and your neighbor) arising from perceived interference (loud music) with goal achievement (sleep). It comes under the category of an internal conflict because an individual (you) feels a struggle between personal goals (sleep) and someone else's actions (neighbor's loud music-playing). The particular goal-type that is perceived to be interfered with is a process goal because the discrepancy is about how things should be done.
Solution: There are four steps to expressing anger in NVC.
1. Stop. Breathe
2. Identify your judgmental thoughts (My neighbor is so inconsiderate and loud).
3. Connect with our needs behind the thoughts (I really need to get some sleep/I really need some peace and quiet).
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs (Hey neighbor, would you be willing to turn the music down? I'm needing to get some sleep, but can't when the music is turned up.)
By expressing anger through NVC, you were able to transform your anger and judgmental thoughts into unmet needs and requests to meet those needs.
This is an example of interpersonal conflict which is defined as a struggle among a small number of interdependent people (you and your neighbor) arising from perceived interference (loud music) with goal achievement (sleep). It comes under the category of an internal conflict because an individual (you) feels a struggle between personal goals (sleep) and someone else's actions (neighbor's loud music-playing). The particular goal-type that is perceived to be interfered with is a process goal because the discrepancy is about how things should be done.
Solution: There are four steps to expressing anger in NVC.
1. Stop. Breathe
2. Identify your judgmental thoughts (My neighbor is so inconsiderate and loud).
3. Connect with our needs behind the thoughts (I really need to get some sleep/I really need some peace and quiet).
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs (Hey neighbor, would you be willing to turn the music down? I'm needing to get some sleep, but can't when the music is turned up.)
By expressing anger through NVC, you were able to transform your anger and judgmental thoughts into unmet needs and requests to meet those needs.
The Basics
The key to conflict management is nonviolent communication. It is defined as a way of speaking and listening that facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully.
There are 4 steps to nonviolent communication (NVC):
1. Observation- What are we observing that is either enriching or not enriching our lives?
2. Feeling- What feelings are associated with those observations?
3. Need- What needs of ours are connected to the feelings?
4. Request- What concrete actions are we asking for in order to enrich our lives?
There are 2 parts to NVC:
1. Expressing honestly through the 4 components
2. Receiving empathically through the 4 components
If we employ the basics of nonviolent communication in our everyday lives, we will avoid/prevent a lot of potential conflicts. However when conflicts do arise (and they are inevitable) it is best to communicate via the 4 components in order to separate any judgments from the actually needs that are not being met.
There are 4 steps to nonviolent communication (NVC):
1. Observation- What are we observing that is either enriching or not enriching our lives?
2. Feeling- What feelings are associated with those observations?
3. Need- What needs of ours are connected to the feelings?
4. Request- What concrete actions are we asking for in order to enrich our lives?
There are 2 parts to NVC:
1. Expressing honestly through the 4 components
2. Receiving empathically through the 4 components
If we employ the basics of nonviolent communication in our everyday lives, we will avoid/prevent a lot of potential conflicts. However when conflicts do arise (and they are inevitable) it is best to communicate via the 4 components in order to separate any judgments from the actually needs that are not being met.
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog! My name is Kaycie Goding, and I am the conflict expert. I have received training in nonviolent communication at Clemson University. Feel free to comment on my blog with any conflicts you may be experiencing and I would be happy to give you advice. Until then, I will address reoccuring conflicts that are common and ways to approach those conflicts.
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